


those to come

by you_idjits



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 9.03 coda, Episode: s09e03 I'm No Angel, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, M/M, bittersweet i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-16
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-17 17:00:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2316899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/you_idjits/pseuds/you_idjits
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas is staring at his burrito with a kind of wide, upset emptiness. And Dean is hovering at the edge of the table, the lines of his face all pinched together.<br/>This is not how it should end. This is not how it should end at all.<br/>Good things are supposed to have good endings. He and Cas are one of the good things.<br/>Dean thinks of all the hurt and fear he’s felt in the last week alone. He thinks of how close he came to losing Sam, how close he came to losing Cas. He does not want to lose Cas again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	those to come

Cas is staring at his burrito with a kind of wide, upset emptiness. And Dean is hovering at the edge of the table, the lines of his face all pinched together.

This is not how it should end. This is not how it should end at all.

Good things are supposed to have good endings. He and Cas are one of the good things.

Dean thinks of all the hurt and fear he’s felt in the last week alone. He thinks of how close he came to losing Sam, how close he came to losing Cas. He does not want to lose Cas again.

“Cas,” he says. “Say something, buddy.”

The stillness hangs in the air. Cas folds his hands into each other. He says, “Is it because I slept with that reaper?”

“I- what?”

“April. I had sex with her. I understand if you’re upset over that. But she was there, and I was lonely, and you weren’t coming… I didn’t mean to-”

“No, Cas, that’s fine,” he says. Because he thinks it is. They’ve never- they’re not like that. Dean sleeps around left and right. He fucks fast women and he leaves even faster. It’s not like he and Cas are in some kind of committed relationship; with this life they can’t do that. It’s never that easy. Cas leaves and Dean gets angry and then he sleeps around because he tells himself he can’t get too attached. If anything happens to one of them, it’ll be better if they aren’t… if they aren’t anything serious.

He thinks Cas is okay with that. He thinks Cas gets it. Which is why he gets what Cas did, with the reaper. He gets how that goes; he doesn’t blame Cas for it. And he isn’t kicking Cas out because of it. The thing with Ezekiel has nothing to do with his thing with Cas.

“Can you at least tell me why?” Cas says. He swallows thickly.

“No,” Dean says, and he feels something burn to the ground inside him. “I’m sorry.”

Cas stands up, laughs to himself. He rolls his shoulders- it’s a human gesture, one that catches Dean off-guard. “Funny how you’re the one apologizing this time.”

“I’m sorry,” Dean says again, and he _is_ , he _is_ , but how can he ever explain what happened with Ezekiel?

More importantly, how can he forgive himself for this?

Cas is so newly human, so vulnerable and earnest, and Dean _knows_ he wants nothing more than to stay.

Cas wants to stay with Dean.

That’s all Dean’s ever fucking wanted.

And he can’t have it, not yet.

But he can have something.

He tugs Cas by the sleeve of that worn red hoodie. He tugs him down the hallway to the bedrooms. He kicks the door shut. He kisses Cas softly, unhurried. He unbuttons Cas’s shirt and strips it off. He takes off his own. He pushes Cas down on the bed and rolls their bodies together and murmurs more apologies against the pieces of Cas’s skin.

It hurts more than it helps. Cas kisses him back, but only barely, like he’s giving up on something.

“I don’t want you to go,” Dean whispers.

“Then don’t make me,” Cas says.

“I’m sorry,” Dean repeats. He touches his lips to the side of Cas’s neck, just underneath his pulse.

There is a heavy weight on his chest. He feels like he is breathing through a wet towel. He does not want this to end.

Cas places one hand on the side of Dean’s face. He rubs the pad of his thumb in circles. Dean searches Cas’s face for something; he doesn’t know what, only knows that he can’t find it.

Cas has too many wrinkles for his age. It makes Dean sad, but he doesn’t know why.

“I’ll call,” Dean says. “And I’ll visit. Wherever you find yourself. Don’t disappear again. Don’t pull away.”

“You’re the one pushing, Dean.”

“Cas.”

“I’ll text,” Cas says, after a long, thoughtful moment, “but I think hearing your voice would be too much.” It is too much even now, for them to lie like this, painful in its impermanence.

“I’ll tell you,” he says. “I’ll tell you as soon as it’s safe. For you to come home.”

He touches his lips to the corners of Cas’s eyes. He touches his lips to Cas’s forehead. He touches his lips to the edges of Cas’s lips.

“I should go,” Cas says. He rolls out of bed, reaches for his clothes. “Tell Sam I said goodbye.”

“Okay,” Dean says. He puts his hands over his eyes because he can’t stand to watch Cas leave.

“I love you, Dean.”

“Yeah,” he says, “I love you too.”

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Title from [Those to Come](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVsX56BPrpU) by The Shins. Definitely worth a listen.  
> I should be working on the college kids 'verse but instead, I have this.
> 
> Oh, I've gone and made myself sad.
> 
> Crossposted on [tumblr](http://shootingstarcas.tumblr.com/post/97687832871/those-to-come-a-9-03-coda-in-which-dean-and-cas).


End file.
